What do you call it when anytime a happy thought crosses your mind, you hear a love song, find yourself smiling for no reason, or drift away to a perfect daydream, you think of him.
Some people would call it a crush, but I know it's more than that. You make me feel much to deeply to be anything superficial. There isn't a single hint of anything superficial between us... this, whatever it is, is real. That I'm sure of... but a crush, this is not a crush.
Other people might call it lust. But I want to spend time and just sit next to you. I want you to come over to my place and spend the day together. Cuddle on the couch with a blanket during rainy weather. Drive around with you for hours wandering away to nowhere. I want to argue with you about absolutely nothing so we can kiss and make up. I want to hang around with your friends and share weekends of hazy, drunken, memories. And then go get some hangover fried food, and sleep the rest of the headaches away with you. It's so far beyond physical, this is not lust.
Some might call it love. But I'm not sure if you can truly love someone if they don't love you back and as far as I'm concerned, love isn't worth it unless it's true. So I guess what I'm saying is that the way I feel and think about you is heading in that direction, but I would never call it love.
So what is this? I've never been one to be fed up with "titles" and "definitions", but with you somehow everything I've worked hard to believe and trust just fades to dust. Maybe I don't need a title or definition, in fact I'm sure I don't need it.
I think what I really want is for you to feel as strongly as I do. For you to tell me something to give me a clue. For you to let down your guard to give this a try. Because I'm confident we would be great. We could be something amazing, something that inspires love in others. We could be those people who grow old together and and still hold hands at every chance they get. We could see the world together and find a life somewhere where only we would dream of. We could support each other in all of our dreams and goals. We could do it all... we could conquer this world.
So what I want, what I need is for you to take that leap of faith. I promise you the first step is the hardest, but I can also gaurentee that as soon as you take that chance I will be right beside you, ready to take on whatever is thrown our way.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Green
Green
like a hummingbird or dragonfly, a specifically peculiar beauty.
like the life that lets all nature grow.
The stem of the dandelions on which I wish my most secret wishes.
The leaves of the flowers that remind me daily of the scenes that changed me forever.
My curtains that let in the sunshine to welcome me every morning.
The color of my favorite, most honest, pair of eyes.
Strength and vigor, a family thing.
Springtime of my college years as the Apple Blossoms bloom.
The jealousy within everyone.
The front of my hair to claim independence from all.
The color of summer.
like a hummingbird or dragonfly, a specifically peculiar beauty.
like the life that lets all nature grow.
The stem of the dandelions on which I wish my most secret wishes.
The leaves of the flowers that remind me daily of the scenes that changed me forever.
My curtains that let in the sunshine to welcome me every morning.
The color of my favorite, most honest, pair of eyes.
Strength and vigor, a family thing.
Springtime of my college years as the Apple Blossoms bloom.
The jealousy within everyone.
The front of my hair to claim independence from all.
The color of summer.
If I...
If I said you are too talented to be held down,
would you believe me?
If I said that I really think you could make something of yourself,
would you understand I'm being sincere?
If I told you these types of things,
would it make it real for you?
would you believe me?
If I said that I really think you could make something of yourself,
would you understand I'm being sincere?
If I told you these types of things,
would it make it real for you?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Risk It All
I lie here half clothed in my bed surrounded, engulfed, in blankets and pillows
I find myself thinking about you, and wishing you were here.
My bed feels so big without you, there's too much space.
I want you back here to fill that empty space.
I need you to block the sight of my blank white wall when I look to the right.
To my right, that is where you should be.
I try to focus my mind on other things, but it's brought straight back to you,
and the fact that you belong here. Next to me. Tonight.
Every night as far as I'm concerned.
My head belongs on your chest and your arms belong wrapped around my waist.
You're meant to play me music, and I'm meant to distract you when I start to dance.
And on those days when you lock yourself up in those practice rooms for hours and hours,
it's me who should bring you back to reality and try to make it just as sweet as your day dreams.
I want to be your living day dream.
I really think I could be your living day dream.
With each other we have so much to gain and nothing to lose.
I really feel like we each have what the other needs to find,
like the missing pieces of a puzzle turning up one day after you've thought they were lost forever.
You can drag me into your world of hopes and dreams
and I can pull you right out to show you,
that those hopes and dreams are right there in front of you,
Because I live my dreams out in real life, every day.
The only one missing right now is you.
You fulfill every secret dream that I've pushed away to the shadows of my soul.
And you gave me a taste of experiencing those dreams for real,
So now I'm left lying in my bed half naked, cuddling with blankets instead of you.
Wishing that you were here.
Because you're not, and I'm not sure why.
I want to know why you don't feel the same, or if you're too scared to try.
I know you have it in you, and I know that we would be right.
And if I'm even willing to put it on the line, it's probably something we ought to try.
I want you lying next to me.
I need you lying next to me, keeping me awake.
Waking me up with morning kisses as the sun peeks through my window,
and pulling me in tighter when you feel like the space between our bodies has gotten to wide.
I need you to kiss me so hard that I forget about everything else in the world,
and I need you to look at me with those eyes as if you couldn't see damn other thing,
no matter how hard you tried.
I promise if you give those moments back to me,
I will give you everything I have back in return.
I promise that you can all of me, whatever parts you want.
I'm willing to risk it all,
for you and only you.
I want to risk it all.
So tonight I'll lie here and sleep without you,
but tomorrow, starting tomorrow I'll show you
and prove to you that I'm going to risk it all.
I find myself thinking about you, and wishing you were here.
My bed feels so big without you, there's too much space.
I want you back here to fill that empty space.
I need you to block the sight of my blank white wall when I look to the right.
To my right, that is where you should be.
I try to focus my mind on other things, but it's brought straight back to you,
and the fact that you belong here. Next to me. Tonight.
Every night as far as I'm concerned.
My head belongs on your chest and your arms belong wrapped around my waist.
You're meant to play me music, and I'm meant to distract you when I start to dance.
And on those days when you lock yourself up in those practice rooms for hours and hours,
it's me who should bring you back to reality and try to make it just as sweet as your day dreams.
I want to be your living day dream.
I really think I could be your living day dream.
With each other we have so much to gain and nothing to lose.
I really feel like we each have what the other needs to find,
like the missing pieces of a puzzle turning up one day after you've thought they were lost forever.
You can drag me into your world of hopes and dreams
and I can pull you right out to show you,
that those hopes and dreams are right there in front of you,
Because I live my dreams out in real life, every day.
The only one missing right now is you.
You fulfill every secret dream that I've pushed away to the shadows of my soul.
And you gave me a taste of experiencing those dreams for real,
So now I'm left lying in my bed half naked, cuddling with blankets instead of you.
Wishing that you were here.
Because you're not, and I'm not sure why.
I want to know why you don't feel the same, or if you're too scared to try.
I know you have it in you, and I know that we would be right.
And if I'm even willing to put it on the line, it's probably something we ought to try.
I want you lying next to me.
I need you lying next to me, keeping me awake.
Waking me up with morning kisses as the sun peeks through my window,
and pulling me in tighter when you feel like the space between our bodies has gotten to wide.
I need you to kiss me so hard that I forget about everything else in the world,
and I need you to look at me with those eyes as if you couldn't see damn other thing,
no matter how hard you tried.
I promise if you give those moments back to me,
I will give you everything I have back in return.
I promise that you can all of me, whatever parts you want.
I'm willing to risk it all,
for you and only you.
I want to risk it all.
So tonight I'll lie here and sleep without you,
but tomorrow, starting tomorrow I'll show you
and prove to you that I'm going to risk it all.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Nothing To Say
When I have nothing to say and the words won't come out, it's the worst. I hate it.
But even worse, is when there are so many things racing through my mind and I really just don't want to write about it anymore.
You've taken over my mind.
I fail.
You win this round.
But even worse, is when there are so many things racing through my mind and I really just don't want to write about it anymore.
You've taken over my mind.
I fail.
You win this round.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
See You Tomorrow (I Want To)
I want to see you tomorrow. You make me look forward to my hardest of days because those are the times I see your smiling face. When you walk in I know you'll say Hi, smile, and leave me waiting there to die. It's so simple. So simple how a word and and smile can conquer years worth of walls, but with you, it's like being wrapped in your favorite blanket in the fall.
I can't wait to lock eyes in a knowing stare. What the knowledge is I'm unsure of, andt I don't even care. Cause when you look at me it's plain to see, those green eyes running through all the possibilities. Of hopes and dreams, and what we could be, but I know that I see it when you're looking at me.
You look at me, and it blows my mind because I see you as someone who is hard to find. You found a way to make my heart feel and with any other boy that reaction has never been real. Me, I'm just me plain to see. But those green eyes of yours have made me believe.
I can't wait to lock eyes in a knowing stare. What the knowledge is I'm unsure of, andt I don't even care. Cause when you look at me it's plain to see, those green eyes running through all the possibilities. Of hopes and dreams, and what we could be, but I know that I see it when you're looking at me.
You look at me, and it blows my mind because I see you as someone who is hard to find. You found a way to make my heart feel and with any other boy that reaction has never been real. Me, I'm just me plain to see. But those green eyes of yours have made me believe.
A Little Easier
It seems I have a heart not a hole in my chest,
or a block of ice like many had guessed.
Ever since you've come my way I breathe a little easier
smile a little wider, and leave the past at the door.
I don't feel the need to worry about where life has led me before.
or a block of ice like many had guessed.
Ever since you've come my way I breathe a little easier
smile a little wider, and leave the past at the door.
I don't feel the need to worry about where life has led me before.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Mt. Vodno: "Ve molime i vi blagodaram"
When I let my mind drift back to that place
my heart swells with the feelings of ease and grace.
I'll never forget opening my eyes wide
When I looked up at that mountain we stood beside.
To get to the start, was the longest part
wandering below until we found that start.
We started on up with confidence in the air
traveling together, not a worry or care.
We came to a stop, and took a look down
looked far, and beyond, and past the town
recorded the memory of the very first phase
and continued up and on with our day.
the air was hot, and the road winded on
when we stopped again to see how far we'd gone.
we took a drink, and ate a snack
started to regret how much on my back i had packed.
we pushed on up, winding on and around
looking over the edge and pushing on the ground.
my heart grew tired, my muscles grew weak
my head throbbing, and barely able to speak.
but i pushed on and had a few words with above
which told me i could accomplish anything with a tone of love.
we spoke of the path on which i had already covered
the damage inside from a past trusted lover.
"If you can get to the top, the pain will stop"
I listened close and I listened dear
and continued on without any fear.
only the pain stood in my way,
but gone were my lingering troubles of yesterday.
then he came along and pushed me on up,
when the strength of my own wasn't quite good enough.
he saw me through, till the very end
holding my confidence, not allowing it to bend.
once we got to the top, to the sacred spot
i realized this was all part of a plot.
in my own personal story,
of heartbreak and worry,
i was given a task almost to hard to ask.
if you can get to the top
the pain will stop.
to cure my hurt of the pain from before,
i had to push through something i could barely endure.
something harder than the pain alone
would show me how much further I'd grown.
my heart swells with the feelings of ease and grace.
I'll never forget opening my eyes wide
When I looked up at that mountain we stood beside.
To get to the start, was the longest part
wandering below until we found that start.
We started on up with confidence in the air
traveling together, not a worry or care.
We came to a stop, and took a look down
looked far, and beyond, and past the town
recorded the memory of the very first phase
and continued up and on with our day.
the air was hot, and the road winded on
when we stopped again to see how far we'd gone.
we took a drink, and ate a snack
started to regret how much on my back i had packed.
we pushed on up, winding on and around
looking over the edge and pushing on the ground.
my heart grew tired, my muscles grew weak
my head throbbing, and barely able to speak.
but i pushed on and had a few words with above
which told me i could accomplish anything with a tone of love.
we spoke of the path on which i had already covered
the damage inside from a past trusted lover.
"If you can get to the top, the pain will stop"
I listened close and I listened dear
and continued on without any fear.
only the pain stood in my way,
but gone were my lingering troubles of yesterday.
then he came along and pushed me on up,
when the strength of my own wasn't quite good enough.
he saw me through, till the very end
holding my confidence, not allowing it to bend.
once we got to the top, to the sacred spot
i realized this was all part of a plot.
in my own personal story,
of heartbreak and worry,
i was given a task almost to hard to ask.
if you can get to the top
the pain will stop.
to cure my hurt of the pain from before,
i had to push through something i could barely endure.
something harder than the pain alone
would show me how much further I'd grown.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes I look up to the sky and wonder what caused our love to die.
I question the clouds and the shapes that they make,
and think of the times we went to the lake.
Like the day we napped in the house up above,
and the way you held me let me know it was love.
Or the time that we left to escape our old town,
so we could get away and fix our frowns.
Sometimes I gaze at the mountain range far away,
and wonder what life would have been like today.
If we had fought through those last couple weeks,
or even what it would be like if we could still speak.
Sometimes I get sad when I walk through the trees
and remember the times we played in the sea.
The walk on the beach before we went away,
and spilled out our heart and put them on display.
That was the night when you opened your heart and let it all out,
and at that moment I knew we'd make it, without a single doubt.
I trusted you then more then I might ever trust again,
I haven't felt so safe, or protected since then.
Sometimes when I'm alone in my bed wide awake,
I think back to the cliffs where we went on fall break.
When I trusted my gut on whether to leave you or not,
and you had not an idea that letting go was a thought.
I listened to my heart and kept you near,
Not knowing you'd decide differently within that year.
Once in awhile, when I'm feeling really down
I even miss your arrogance which forced me to drown.
Sometimes though, when I'm at my worst
I think of you and am convinced that I'm cursed.
You ruined my soul, and broke me of everything I had
forced to me to rise again and for that I am glad.
But for ruining my chance at love again, you I blame
because I can't trust myself and for me it's a shame.
I have so much to offer, and to give away
But I keep it to myself because I don't know how to say
"I'm sorry he damaged me with his demeaning words and games
My self image is small, and he's to blame."
No boy wants to hear, how you affect his life
two years later and it's causing me strife.
Cause I want to let him in, and give him my all
but your lasting imprint causes my efforts to fall
So sometimes I think it would have been better
if I hadn't written you that very first letter.
We never would have been a "We"
and my heart would be free, and clear to see.
I question the clouds and the shapes that they make,
and think of the times we went to the lake.
Like the day we napped in the house up above,
and the way you held me let me know it was love.
Or the time that we left to escape our old town,
so we could get away and fix our frowns.
Sometimes I gaze at the mountain range far away,
and wonder what life would have been like today.
If we had fought through those last couple weeks,
or even what it would be like if we could still speak.
Sometimes I get sad when I walk through the trees
and remember the times we played in the sea.
The walk on the beach before we went away,
and spilled out our heart and put them on display.
That was the night when you opened your heart and let it all out,
and at that moment I knew we'd make it, without a single doubt.
I trusted you then more then I might ever trust again,
I haven't felt so safe, or protected since then.
Sometimes when I'm alone in my bed wide awake,
I think back to the cliffs where we went on fall break.
When I trusted my gut on whether to leave you or not,
and you had not an idea that letting go was a thought.
I listened to my heart and kept you near,
Not knowing you'd decide differently within that year.
Once in awhile, when I'm feeling really down
I even miss your arrogance which forced me to drown.
Sometimes though, when I'm at my worst
I think of you and am convinced that I'm cursed.
You ruined my soul, and broke me of everything I had
forced to me to rise again and for that I am glad.
But for ruining my chance at love again, you I blame
because I can't trust myself and for me it's a shame.
I have so much to offer, and to give away
But I keep it to myself because I don't know how to say
"I'm sorry he damaged me with his demeaning words and games
My self image is small, and he's to blame."
No boy wants to hear, how you affect his life
two years later and it's causing me strife.
Cause I want to let him in, and give him my all
but your lasting imprint causes my efforts to fall
So sometimes I think it would have been better
if I hadn't written you that very first letter.
We never would have been a "We"
and my heart would be free, and clear to see.
Dirty Dirty Ho
Get it on
All night long
Put it down
Up that sound
Grab it tight
Push it right
Rough and hot
Hit that spot
You and me
Hit the sheets
On your knees
Face first please
You might say I’m a dirty dirty ho,
But the three words I live by are “Don’t let go”
Whether it’s love or lust
Commitment to the act is a must
So if you wanna hook up
Then you better step up, oh!
Don’t hold back
What you pack
Such a tease
Give it please
Nice and deep
Get no sleep
Up all night
Get it right
You might say I’m a dirty dirty ho,
But the three words I live by are “Don’t let go”
Whether it’s love or lust
Commitment to the act is a must
So if you wanna hook up
Then you better step up
Slip and slide
Get that ride
Say my name
Play a game
Like it rough
Like it tough
Grab that ass
Don’t want sass
Let’s just get
On with it
Commit to the act
And it will be legit
You might say I’m a dirty dirty ho,
But the three words I live by are “Don’t let go”
Whether it’s love or lust
Commitment to the act is a must
So if you wanna hook up
Then you better step up
No I’m not a dirty dirty ho
I act for real,
not putting on a show
I go for what I want,
And what I want I get
So let’s go boy, and get on wit it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
More Than I Planned
All I really wanted to know was who you are,
from my original intentions, I've come so far.
I was interested in your work, not your soul
now your poetic sounds have taken a toll
on my guarded heart,
the one ridden of emotion, but is beginning to start
all over again, never thought it be true
so this newly beating heart, boy, can be blamed on you
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
So I'm trying it out, trying to listening to within
I guess it's working cause when you see me you grin.
I have no idea what I'm doing, trying to feel it out
But boy when you touch me, I wanna scream and shout.
Cause you took me by surprise with those honest eyes,
as our lips met, but were still acting shy.
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
From innocent curiosity, to longing for your touch
and the sound of your voice, turned it to the biggest rush
This wasn't the plan, but it fell into hand
This wasn't the plan, but now I love the size of your hands
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
Stay right here boy, don't wanna lose this sight.
from my original intentions, I've come so far.
I was interested in your work, not your soul
now your poetic sounds have taken a toll
on my guarded heart,
the one ridden of emotion, but is beginning to start
all over again, never thought it be true
so this newly beating heart, boy, can be blamed on you
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
So I'm trying it out, trying to listening to within
I guess it's working cause when you see me you grin.
I have no idea what I'm doing, trying to feel it out
But boy when you touch me, I wanna scream and shout.
Cause you took me by surprise with those honest eyes,
as our lips met, but were still acting shy.
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
From innocent curiosity, to longing for your touch
and the sound of your voice, turned it to the biggest rush
This wasn't the plan, but it fell into hand
This wasn't the plan, but now I love the size of your hands
I think of you often, more than I planned
the smile on your face, to the size of your hands.
You got me hooked on your words that night,
Stay here boy, you're a beautiful sight.
Stay right here boy, don't wanna lose this sight.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Skip This Town
I can see it in your eyes, though you try to hide
your intentions and feelings, behind words of disguise.
You ask a question, and listen about my day
never revealing what, you'd truly like to say.
This back and forth is the game that we play
and the rules seem to change depending on the day
The only thing I know and feel is crystal clear
is that our days gets better when the other one is near.
The only thing I want to do
is skip this town
and fly away with you.
Running isn't fast enough,
we gotta go now and get there soon.
We'll soar straight out into the blue
doesn't matter where we go if I'm flying with you.
Our problem is that we blurred all our lines
so this stage that we're in allows us to hide.
Cause I can't say it to you, and you can't to me
I'd try to sing it for you but I don't know the key.
But we both know that I really wouldn't
cause the words escape me every day,
but if I found that hidden treasure, this is what I think I'd say
The only thing I want to do
is skip this town
and fly away with you.
Running isn't fast enough,
we gotta go now and get there soon.
We'll soar straight out into the blue
doesn't matter where we go if I'm flying with you.
your intentions and feelings, behind words of disguise.
You ask a question, and listen about my day
never revealing what, you'd truly like to say.
This back and forth is the game that we play
and the rules seem to change depending on the day
The only thing I know and feel is crystal clear
is that our days gets better when the other one is near.
The only thing I want to do
is skip this town
and fly away with you.
Running isn't fast enough,
we gotta go now and get there soon.
We'll soar straight out into the blue
doesn't matter where we go if I'm flying with you.
Our problem is that we blurred all our lines
so this stage that we're in allows us to hide.
Cause I can't say it to you, and you can't to me
I'd try to sing it for you but I don't know the key.
But we both know that I really wouldn't
cause the words escape me every day,
but if I found that hidden treasure, this is what I think I'd say
The only thing I want to do
is skip this town
and fly away with you.
Running isn't fast enough,
we gotta go now and get there soon.
We'll soar straight out into the blue
doesn't matter where we go if I'm flying with you.
Top of the World
My work was described as innovative, intelligent, and visionary. The opportunities that are heading my way are unbelievable. I'm on top of the world... and couldn't be happier or proud of myself for once.
In the end... hard work DOES pay off.
In the end... hard work DOES pay off.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Music Has No Limits
It's amazing how a song can trigger feelings, emotions, memories, and various other trigger points in one's soul. I'm laying in my bed trying to sleep and I'm listening to a playlist I created earlier this evening in order to help me through my solo arts and crafts sesh tonight. aaaad by that I mean covering that damn wood with felt. Therefore this playlist is called:
"The Way You Look Tonight" - Frank Sinatra
- Besides making me think of that "someone" as every love song does... this song reminds me of my family in New York. Specifically the night of my grandparents 50th anniversary party. I can see all of my relatives dancing and singing to each other. I miss those family get-togethers more than anything.
"Viva La Vida" - Coldplay
- A couple things come to mind with this song. The first is my inappropriate emotional freshmen fling. I remember laying in his bed at night falling asleep to this song with him. The second is a dance I choreographed to this for my girls at the studio. At that point I'm not sure if I was choreographing for the sake of their improvement or my own personal relief. This song let's me get "it" out. Not many songs can do that for me. Finally, I remember driving aimlessly with this song on repeat. The rushing sensation of the music allows my mind to wander at its typical speed of light pace, and feel normal.
"The Way I was Raised" - Him (name not given for personal reasons)
- This song gives me a feeling of awe for this boy. I love how he can share his feelings, it's something I have a hard time with. Mostly I adore his respect for his parents. This song gives me a greater appreciation for him because he found a way to pay tribute to his parents and that's extremely thoughtful and comforting.
"Octet (Eight Lines)" - Steve Reich
-Wonder, inspiration, anxiety and so many other things come from this song. All I want to do is stand up and choreograph, and not the type for show or class purposes... the kind that means something to me. The kind that hold value and makes a statement. This song holds a lot of value to me. I need to do something with it but i can't take that task on lightly. I find Steve Reich's music to be some of the most inspiring music I've ever heard. It's outrageous the effect that it holds over me: my feelings and thoughts.
"Regret You" - Him (I swear there are 3 hours with of music on this playlist and it's on shuffle... seriously. )
- I never want to be that girl. I want to be the girl that he thinks she is... but never the girl she turns out to be. Stupid boy with his music... making me feel things that I never would have if it didn't exist. It adds too much depth and mystery... so of course it keeps me interested. This song also will be good for choreo... something on a lighter note.
"Miss October" - One Drop
- Summer time, singing at the top of my lungs, the windows all the way down, hair blowing in my face, and not giving a shit. It also reminds me of MysteryMan. I found the set of songs that this goes with right when things were starting to become interesting with MysteryMan. I remember listening to this on the way to the bar when he told me to come out.
"Wait and See" -Iration
- Sighhhh. The song that proves that underneath all of my built up walls, and "I don't need a boy, boys are toys" bullshit... I am the biggest HOPELESS romantic. Every single time there is a new boy or even potential new boy I find myself crawling back to this song to give me hope. Besides my being a hopeless romantic, I love the lyrics and the sound of the song. The reggae rock vibe is one that speaks to me no matter what, no matter when. Reggae rock and a good voice speaks to my soul.
*I could go on doing this forever... but I do have to sleep tonight. Music is one of the most powerful forces in the world. It has the ability to raise emotions in someone, to dull them down, to inspire, to make feel, to understand. Music has no limits.
"Fixing the Damn Wood"
"The Way You Look Tonight" - Frank Sinatra
- Besides making me think of that "someone" as every love song does... this song reminds me of my family in New York. Specifically the night of my grandparents 50th anniversary party. I can see all of my relatives dancing and singing to each other. I miss those family get-togethers more than anything.
"Viva La Vida" - Coldplay
- A couple things come to mind with this song. The first is my inappropriate emotional freshmen fling. I remember laying in his bed at night falling asleep to this song with him. The second is a dance I choreographed to this for my girls at the studio. At that point I'm not sure if I was choreographing for the sake of their improvement or my own personal relief. This song let's me get "it" out. Not many songs can do that for me. Finally, I remember driving aimlessly with this song on repeat. The rushing sensation of the music allows my mind to wander at its typical speed of light pace, and feel normal.
"The Way I was Raised" - Him (name not given for personal reasons)
- This song gives me a feeling of awe for this boy. I love how he can share his feelings, it's something I have a hard time with. Mostly I adore his respect for his parents. This song gives me a greater appreciation for him because he found a way to pay tribute to his parents and that's extremely thoughtful and comforting.
"Octet (Eight Lines)" - Steve Reich
-Wonder, inspiration, anxiety and so many other things come from this song. All I want to do is stand up and choreograph, and not the type for show or class purposes... the kind that means something to me. The kind that hold value and makes a statement. This song holds a lot of value to me. I need to do something with it but i can't take that task on lightly. I find Steve Reich's music to be some of the most inspiring music I've ever heard. It's outrageous the effect that it holds over me: my feelings and thoughts.
"Regret You" - Him (I swear there are 3 hours with of music on this playlist and it's on shuffle... seriously. )
- I never want to be that girl. I want to be the girl that he thinks she is... but never the girl she turns out to be. Stupid boy with his music... making me feel things that I never would have if it didn't exist. It adds too much depth and mystery... so of course it keeps me interested. This song also will be good for choreo... something on a lighter note.
"Miss October" - One Drop
- Summer time, singing at the top of my lungs, the windows all the way down, hair blowing in my face, and not giving a shit. It also reminds me of MysteryMan. I found the set of songs that this goes with right when things were starting to become interesting with MysteryMan. I remember listening to this on the way to the bar when he told me to come out.
"Wait and See" -Iration
- Sighhhh. The song that proves that underneath all of my built up walls, and "I don't need a boy, boys are toys" bullshit... I am the biggest HOPELESS romantic. Every single time there is a new boy or even potential new boy I find myself crawling back to this song to give me hope. Besides my being a hopeless romantic, I love the lyrics and the sound of the song. The reggae rock vibe is one that speaks to me no matter what, no matter when. Reggae rock and a good voice speaks to my soul.
*I could go on doing this forever... but I do have to sleep tonight. Music is one of the most powerful forces in the world. It has the ability to raise emotions in someone, to dull them down, to inspire, to make feel, to understand. Music has no limits.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Here and Now
The words stuck in my chest.
The ones I want to tell you that scare me half to death.
The ones I'm refusing to admit to myself yet.
They sit there, stirring, and waiting to come out
to be screamed and felt with no sense of doubt.
These words haunt me,
wait until the dark of the night,
when it's me all alone and a little bit of light.
Then they come up, and I force them back down.
Choking them back in disgust with a frown.
I should tell you.
Thats' what they would say,
"Take a chance, what's the worst that could happen?"
But you don't know me that way.
We're one in the same without a clue.
I see you in me, and me within you.
A mystery to be discovered, a story untold
a story on hold, the corner at a fold.
Take a step back, breathe, and relax
If I told you today there wouldn't be a hope for tomorrow.
No dreams, no songs, no wish to borrow.
It would all be on the line, out there to decide
and there would be no blurred lines to help us hide.
We both know it's there, your heart won't let you say
but I see it in your eyes when you ask to stay.
You might write me a song, or sing in my ear
and I'm perfectly fine with those things that I hear.
Cause it says what caution hides,
and shows what you mean behind those cloudy eyes.
I want to tell you, because I can't compare.
I can't fill you with words, sounds, or passion
or the hope of something that could be long lasting.
I know what I feel now,
and that's a lot for me.
I can't share with you my dreams, but I can let you see.
So I want to scream it out loud,
it only seems fair.
Though I know that I couldn't do it,
even with a dare.
I can't offer you much, but I can offer you now.
and If you let me,
I promise I shall.
You feel so deep, you swallow me whole.
I try to keep up, but to me it's a new role.
I destructed these feelings, ideas, and dreams
worked hard to make new ones, and sewed up the seems.
Then you walk into my life and pull out the thread,
The secrets I keep hidden, threatening to shed.
So I will give you here and now
not asking for more,
Just you and me inside, the world behind the door.
And we can take each step, as carefully as we need
pausing for you and pausing for me.
Side by side we'll figure it out together,
not burdened by the future, or pending hazy weather.
* I don't know how I feel about the ending... I'm not sure if it's finished. We shall see.
The ones I want to tell you that scare me half to death.
The ones I'm refusing to admit to myself yet.
They sit there, stirring, and waiting to come out
to be screamed and felt with no sense of doubt.
These words haunt me,
wait until the dark of the night,
when it's me all alone and a little bit of light.
Then they come up, and I force them back down.
Choking them back in disgust with a frown.
I should tell you.
Thats' what they would say,
"Take a chance, what's the worst that could happen?"
But you don't know me that way.
We're one in the same without a clue.
I see you in me, and me within you.
A mystery to be discovered, a story untold
a story on hold, the corner at a fold.
Take a step back, breathe, and relax
If I told you today there wouldn't be a hope for tomorrow.
No dreams, no songs, no wish to borrow.
It would all be on the line, out there to decide
and there would be no blurred lines to help us hide.
We both know it's there, your heart won't let you say
but I see it in your eyes when you ask to stay.
You might write me a song, or sing in my ear
and I'm perfectly fine with those things that I hear.
Cause it says what caution hides,
and shows what you mean behind those cloudy eyes.
I want to tell you, because I can't compare.
I can't fill you with words, sounds, or passion
or the hope of something that could be long lasting.
I know what I feel now,
and that's a lot for me.
I can't share with you my dreams, but I can let you see.
So I want to scream it out loud,
it only seems fair.
Though I know that I couldn't do it,
even with a dare.
I can't offer you much, but I can offer you now.
and If you let me,
I promise I shall.
You feel so deep, you swallow me whole.
I try to keep up, but to me it's a new role.
I destructed these feelings, ideas, and dreams
worked hard to make new ones, and sewed up the seems.
Then you walk into my life and pull out the thread,
The secrets I keep hidden, threatening to shed.
So I will give you here and now
not asking for more,
Just you and me inside, the world behind the door.
And we can take each step, as carefully as we need
pausing for you and pausing for me.
Side by side we'll figure it out together,
not burdened by the future, or pending hazy weather.
* I don't know how I feel about the ending... I'm not sure if it's finished. We shall see.
Monday, March 7, 2011
3am
I'm sitting here alone and I'm not sure what to do.
I have these feelings in my chest,
and the only thing that's certain is they need to be put to use.
I have these feelings in my chest,
and the only thing that's certain is they need to be put to use.
Those hands, or the eyes.
I'm not sure which it is. Those hands, or the eyes.
When I make a fist, his hand completely covers mine. I've never been one that needed protection, in fact one of my tragic flaws is how overly independent I am. I can't stand having to rely on someone else. But when he holds my hand, I feel safe. I feel comforted and taking care of. I feel calm.
But it's not just when you hold my hand... it's what you do with those hands. Watching them move over the piano and hearing the sounds they play is enough to melt my former icy heart. You use your hands to share your soul, there is nothing more beautiful. I could watch them move all day. And that night, you have no idea what your hands did to me that night.
The eyes. I've also been one to fall for deep brown eyes... the kind that show depth and understanding. I can't even describe the color of his eyes though. Greens and yellows, the kind that stand out from everyone else... I can't come up with any words to give them justice. There are three times those outrageous eyes stood out to me and broke me of my love for brown eyes forever.
1. You were playing the piano, the song you wrote for your uncle, and I was dancing. Completely immersed in my own world of trying to create choreography. By this point I barely even noticed you were still in the room... then I turned around and saw you watching me. Those eyes bored straight into mine and I just stopped. It took a couple second to recover and then I know I must of shyed away from habit. But the way you looked at me stuck with me the rest of the time spent in that room, I can still imagine that moment when I'm in my classes and rehearsals wishing everyone else was gone and it was just us two in the room again.
2. The night we were alone and cuddling. After a while you ended up laying on top of me and you pulled away and stared straight into my eyes as you lowered yourself to kiss my stomach. You dragged that moment out to be the longest of stares. I could tell there were so many things behind that stare, some that I could pick up on and were meant to understand, and others that were meant to be private but generally understood. The honesty and mystery behind that look, it's the look I long for.
3. The first time you saw me in public after our couple experiences of alone time. You walked in through the door and saw me sitting in the comfy chairs. I don't think you meant to show it as much as you did, but it happened. As soon as you saw me your eyes lit up and and the hugest smile took over your face. It was like a flash... not the kind of panic that is easy to pick up on in a person... but the kind that shows excitement and interest. I know for a fact you were happy to see me... and that makes me happier than you know.
Maybe it's not the hands, or the eyes. I'm starting to think it's everything; cause I could go on about your voice, the stories, the way you dress, and even that hair. Let's not lie, I love that damn hair. So that's what I'm settling on... everything. Everything about him isn't perfect, but right. Exactly right for me.
When I make a fist, his hand completely covers mine. I've never been one that needed protection, in fact one of my tragic flaws is how overly independent I am. I can't stand having to rely on someone else. But when he holds my hand, I feel safe. I feel comforted and taking care of. I feel calm.
But it's not just when you hold my hand... it's what you do with those hands. Watching them move over the piano and hearing the sounds they play is enough to melt my former icy heart. You use your hands to share your soul, there is nothing more beautiful. I could watch them move all day. And that night, you have no idea what your hands did to me that night.
The eyes. I've also been one to fall for deep brown eyes... the kind that show depth and understanding. I can't even describe the color of his eyes though. Greens and yellows, the kind that stand out from everyone else... I can't come up with any words to give them justice. There are three times those outrageous eyes stood out to me and broke me of my love for brown eyes forever.
1. You were playing the piano, the song you wrote for your uncle, and I was dancing. Completely immersed in my own world of trying to create choreography. By this point I barely even noticed you were still in the room... then I turned around and saw you watching me. Those eyes bored straight into mine and I just stopped. It took a couple second to recover and then I know I must of shyed away from habit. But the way you looked at me stuck with me the rest of the time spent in that room, I can still imagine that moment when I'm in my classes and rehearsals wishing everyone else was gone and it was just us two in the room again.
2. The night we were alone and cuddling. After a while you ended up laying on top of me and you pulled away and stared straight into my eyes as you lowered yourself to kiss my stomach. You dragged that moment out to be the longest of stares. I could tell there were so many things behind that stare, some that I could pick up on and were meant to understand, and others that were meant to be private but generally understood. The honesty and mystery behind that look, it's the look I long for.
3. The first time you saw me in public after our couple experiences of alone time. You walked in through the door and saw me sitting in the comfy chairs. I don't think you meant to show it as much as you did, but it happened. As soon as you saw me your eyes lit up and and the hugest smile took over your face. It was like a flash... not the kind of panic that is easy to pick up on in a person... but the kind that shows excitement and interest. I know for a fact you were happy to see me... and that makes me happier than you know.
Maybe it's not the hands, or the eyes. I'm starting to think it's everything; cause I could go on about your voice, the stories, the way you dress, and even that hair. Let's not lie, I love that damn hair. So that's what I'm settling on... everything. Everything about him isn't perfect, but right. Exactly right for me.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Falling in Like
I'm falling in like.
Like I've known you forever.
I'm falling in like.
I didn't want to fall in like, I never wanted this.
I'm falling in like.If I let myself feel there's no turning back.
I'm falling in like.I'm not sure if you feel the same.
I'm falling in like.I look for ways out.
I'm falling in like.But I haven't found a damn thing wrong yet.
I'm falling in like.This all happened so fast.
I'm falling in like.I live for the intensity.
I'm falling in like.I miss you.
I'm falling in like.Fuck.
I'm falling in like.I feels so natural.
I'm falling in like.Like I've known you forever.
I'm falling in like.
And... I'm not sure you gave me a choice.
I'm falling in like.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
"But why is the rum gone?"
It is safe to say that 85% of my college anecdotes are inspired by the effects of alcohol. Specifically, rum. (What can I say, I shoulda been a pirate.) Whether it was the Bacardi Grand Melon of the early years, or the Bacardi 151 Puerto Rican Rum that we worked up to... It was always the rum.
Bold. No matter the effects of the rum on that particular night, a heightened sense of boldness was always an outcome of the "happyjuice". And what does a heightened sense of boldness lead to you might ask... well the answer is simple. Situations.
(These situations are in not in any sort of order... no need for a defined time line of the numerous situations.)
"5 People, 1 Night"
Sunday morning as I completed my walk of shame into the cafe for the ritual fried, hangover lunch, I spotted The-Future-7-11-Owner. Immediately after making eye contact I knew he didn't remember a damn thing that had happened the night before. Instantly I knew I should fill him in over lunch so he would understand the disturbing awkward group dynamics that would follow in the next few days.
Our group of friends consisted of Branded, The-Future-7-11-Owner, GodFuck, Jerseyyyy, and MotorMouth. It was a typical saturday night for the group. The boys made plans and bought Jerseyyyy and I a handle of Bacardi Grand Melon while we sat on our pretty little asses and got ourselves ready to look great. After figuring out we were going to the FriendlyAsians house, we started to make moves. Cracked the bottle and off we went.
About an hour later the boys were proudly phtographing the first of their beer-a-mids of the night while Jerseyyyy and I laughed at their "immaturity". (Yeah two college boys finished 10 beers. Grow a pair and finish the fucking case.... then your documenting worthy. Pussies.) Then BAM. The epic night of make outs began.
So Jerseyyyy and Branded had this thing. It was still kinda new at the time and their was still the issue of his absolute bitch ass girlfriend. Oh college... But Branded and I were best friends.... turns out niether of us were really getting ours at the time and randomly decided to make out. Immediately following the spit swapping was a detailed, heart to heart about how we should make out more often because...
1. It was fun.
2. More importantly... neither of us felt anything for each other. (that was the official moment of confirmation dealing with the lack of attraction towards each other.)
3. It helps to blow off steam.
4. It pisses other people off.
5. We both hated our significant others.... so fuck them right?!?!
So while Branded and I confirmed our lack of sexual attraction towards each other, Jerseyyyy was observing and feeling a little left out. The next thing I know she's in on the conversation and Branded is daring us to make out like it's some completely unheard of and outrageous dare of the century. So naturally, me and Jerseyyyy proved him wrong. Southern, country fuck.... didn't even know what hit him. A few drunken rants, heart to hearts, and outfit judgements later.... round 2 happened.
So The-Future-7-11-Owner had never actually kissed a girl before. Right... in college and never kissed a girl!!!! Poor boy. So Jerseyyyy and I being the friendly, helpful drunk bitches we were, decided to go help him out with his problem. Next thing The-Future-7-11-Owner knows.... he has not 1, but 2 dancer bitches up on him making him forget the days that "kissing" was a "foreign" idea. (hahaha...it's funny cause he's not American... hahahaha....) Photo evidence included... it's safe to say we turned a boy into... well a little more experienced boy that night. We were such good friends to him.
So MotorMouth and I had a little thing. It was awkward. I hated my boyfriend, he was nice to me. Typical college emotional fling.... oh college. Basically, he was flirting around with some fat soccer chick and pretty much had to show this bitch who REALLY owned this poor boys soul. So... I walked right up to him, kissed him straight on the lips in front of everyone, he screamed at me and made a scene. Mission accomplished. Girl had been trying to get it all night, I walked right up and did it, ruined his night, she had to calm him down from a drunken rage... BOOM. Fat soccer chick = zero. Me = eternal glory. She still thinks I'm a huge cunt. Whatever.
The final phase of the night includes the sexiest of Australian men. Basically, I told Branded that I needed to kiss Aussie just so I could say I'd made out with a legit foreign boy. Branded being the best friend that he is passed this info on to his teammate and within five minutes I was having a 100% pure Australian make out sesh. I still consider this one an accomplishment. Win- win situation for everyone.
Back to Sunday afternoon lunch with The-Future-7-11-Owner... his jaw was now on the table. After a little agreement to not bring up the events ever again, and a thank you for documenting the loss of his make out virginity, the lunch of shame was over. Freshman... we were those people. Me and Jerseyyyy were "those girls" and the dudes were "those douchebags". And ya know what... frankly, we didn't give a fuck.
Was life awkward for the next three days, yes. But then again, we were freshmen... when wasn't life awkward? Come Thursday afternoon life was normal for a day until Friday night when the Rum came out once again...
Bold. No matter the effects of the rum on that particular night, a heightened sense of boldness was always an outcome of the "happyjuice". And what does a heightened sense of boldness lead to you might ask... well the answer is simple. Situations.
(These situations are in not in any sort of order... no need for a defined time line of the numerous situations.)
"5 People, 1 Night"
Sunday morning as I completed my walk of shame into the cafe for the ritual fried, hangover lunch, I spotted The-Future-7-11-Owner. Immediately after making eye contact I knew he didn't remember a damn thing that had happened the night before. Instantly I knew I should fill him in over lunch so he would understand the disturbing awkward group dynamics that would follow in the next few days.
Our group of friends consisted of Branded, The-Future-7-11-Owner, GodFuck, Jerseyyyy, and MotorMouth. It was a typical saturday night for the group. The boys made plans and bought Jerseyyyy and I a handle of Bacardi Grand Melon while we sat on our pretty little asses and got ourselves ready to look great. After figuring out we were going to the FriendlyAsians house, we started to make moves. Cracked the bottle and off we went.
About an hour later the boys were proudly phtographing the first of their beer-a-mids of the night while Jerseyyyy and I laughed at their "immaturity". (Yeah two college boys finished 10 beers. Grow a pair and finish the fucking case.... then your documenting worthy. Pussies.) Then BAM. The epic night of make outs began.
So Jerseyyyy and Branded had this thing. It was still kinda new at the time and their was still the issue of his absolute bitch ass girlfriend. Oh college... But Branded and I were best friends.... turns out niether of us were really getting ours at the time and randomly decided to make out. Immediately following the spit swapping was a detailed, heart to heart about how we should make out more often because...
1. It was fun.
2. More importantly... neither of us felt anything for each other. (that was the official moment of confirmation dealing with the lack of attraction towards each other.)
3. It helps to blow off steam.
4. It pisses other people off.
5. We both hated our significant others.... so fuck them right?!?!
So while Branded and I confirmed our lack of sexual attraction towards each other, Jerseyyyy was observing and feeling a little left out. The next thing I know she's in on the conversation and Branded is daring us to make out like it's some completely unheard of and outrageous dare of the century. So naturally, me and Jerseyyyy proved him wrong. Southern, country fuck.... didn't even know what hit him. A few drunken rants, heart to hearts, and outfit judgements later.... round 2 happened.
So The-Future-7-11-Owner had never actually kissed a girl before. Right... in college and never kissed a girl!!!! Poor boy. So Jerseyyyy and I being the friendly, helpful drunk bitches we were, decided to go help him out with his problem. Next thing The-Future-7-11-Owner knows.... he has not 1, but 2 dancer bitches up on him making him forget the days that "kissing" was a "foreign" idea. (hahaha...it's funny cause he's not American... hahahaha....) Photo evidence included... it's safe to say we turned a boy into... well a little more experienced boy that night. We were such good friends to him.
So MotorMouth and I had a little thing. It was awkward. I hated my boyfriend, he was nice to me. Typical college emotional fling.... oh college. Basically, he was flirting around with some fat soccer chick and pretty much had to show this bitch who REALLY owned this poor boys soul. So... I walked right up to him, kissed him straight on the lips in front of everyone, he screamed at me and made a scene. Mission accomplished. Girl had been trying to get it all night, I walked right up and did it, ruined his night, she had to calm him down from a drunken rage... BOOM. Fat soccer chick = zero. Me = eternal glory. She still thinks I'm a huge cunt. Whatever.
The final phase of the night includes the sexiest of Australian men. Basically, I told Branded that I needed to kiss Aussie just so I could say I'd made out with a legit foreign boy. Branded being the best friend that he is passed this info on to his teammate and within five minutes I was having a 100% pure Australian make out sesh. I still consider this one an accomplishment. Win- win situation for everyone.
Back to Sunday afternoon lunch with The-Future-7-11-Owner... his jaw was now on the table. After a little agreement to not bring up the events ever again, and a thank you for documenting the loss of his make out virginity, the lunch of shame was over. Freshman... we were those people. Me and Jerseyyyy were "those girls" and the dudes were "those douchebags". And ya know what... frankly, we didn't give a fuck.
Was life awkward for the next three days, yes. But then again, we were freshmen... when wasn't life awkward? Come Thursday afternoon life was normal for a day until Friday night when the Rum came out once again...
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Laying Awake
Every Night I lay awake
thinking of art
that I could make.
Movement flowing through my veins
concepts turning in my brain.
Costumes, props, music, and sets
one thought done and on to the next.
The thinking takes over
it's like a disease
although the goal is not to please.
To stir thought, feelings
good or bad.
if you remember my name
then I'll be glad.
When I finally dream the thoughts go away
and the creations transform
into a different array.
Bolder, grander
more and more
so the next nights thoughts
become the dreams from before.
thinking of art
that I could make.
Movement flowing through my veins
concepts turning in my brain.
Costumes, props, music, and sets
one thought done and on to the next.
The thinking takes over
it's like a disease
although the goal is not to please.
To stir thought, feelings
good or bad.
if you remember my name
then I'll be glad.
When I finally dream the thoughts go away
and the creations transform
into a different array.
Bolder, grander
more and more
so the next nights thoughts
become the dreams from before.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Weekend Revelation
Freshmen.
No matter how mature or responsible they may seem, at the end of the day they are still freshmen.
Freshmen will always be freshmen.
No matter how mature or responsible they may seem, at the end of the day they are still freshmen.
Freshmen will always be freshmen.
Memoirs of a High School Divorcee: Part 2
Fast forward to January 5, 2005. The day I had waited for since, what now felt like, forever. Mr. (not)Perfect finally asked me out. Over AIM chat... clearly it was love. If I had any sense ( I was fifteen, so clearly there was none), I would have told him to call me and at least ask me over the phone. But no, I was an idiot and was too caught up with the actual event finally happening. Little did I know that innocent and seemingly perfect AIM chat would set the tone for our four and a half year relationship.
Break Up Numero Uno:
Junior year, the summer of 2007. I had gone away for a two week dance intensive followed up with an extended weekend trip to NYC. Mr. (not)Perfect had started acting a little strange right before I went away. Yes, things had changed. The first two years of being together were pure, disgusting, high school bliss. This summer... things had started becoming not-so-perfect. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time, but I definitely felt a change. So as I spent my time away dancing my little heart out, he was home trying to figure out how to break it.
It was the typical signs of something not being right. He refused to call me and when I called him, he didn't have much to say. He had sent me a card but didn't sign it "Love". Overall he was just acting like a little punk ass bitch. End of story. How did I deal with this... being miserable, deciding to hate Pittsburgh, and blaming the city on my problems instead.
Upon my return to good ol' Maryland, we needed "to talk". So Mr. (not)Perfect came over to my house and we chatted. (At least for break up: round one he did it in person...) A few "I've changed", "We can work on its", "Just tell me what you wants", and a "sounds good"... my tears were dried, I guilted him into not breaking up with me, and I got my way. At this point in time I still halfway wore the pants in the relationship...
If I had been smart, (clearly in the games of love, aging and gaining common sense do not necessarily correlate.) I would have just let it be over. But I was(am) a hard head and my pride was worth way more than my happiness for the next year and a half of my life.
With the exception of a few months, from July of 2007 to April of 2009, HE MADE ME MISERABLE and love was no longer a privilege but a chore.
Therefore:
Missed "break up life lesson number one"= Because it is ending doesn't mean you failed. It means it is no longer meant to be. Suck up your pride and move on with life.
Break Up Numero Uno:
Junior year, the summer of 2007. I had gone away for a two week dance intensive followed up with an extended weekend trip to NYC. Mr. (not)Perfect had started acting a little strange right before I went away. Yes, things had changed. The first two years of being together were pure, disgusting, high school bliss. This summer... things had started becoming not-so-perfect. I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time, but I definitely felt a change. So as I spent my time away dancing my little heart out, he was home trying to figure out how to break it.
It was the typical signs of something not being right. He refused to call me and when I called him, he didn't have much to say. He had sent me a card but didn't sign it "Love". Overall he was just acting like a little punk ass bitch. End of story. How did I deal with this... being miserable, deciding to hate Pittsburgh, and blaming the city on my problems instead.
Upon my return to good ol' Maryland, we needed "to talk". So Mr. (not)Perfect came over to my house and we chatted. (At least for break up: round one he did it in person...) A few "I've changed", "We can work on its", "Just tell me what you wants", and a "sounds good"... my tears were dried, I guilted him into not breaking up with me, and I got my way. At this point in time I still halfway wore the pants in the relationship...
If I had been smart, (clearly in the games of love, aging and gaining common sense do not necessarily correlate.) I would have just let it be over. But I was(am) a hard head and my pride was worth way more than my happiness for the next year and a half of my life.
With the exception of a few months, from July of 2007 to April of 2009, HE MADE ME MISERABLE and love was no longer a privilege but a chore.
Therefore:
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
"Perpetual Bliss"
Perpetual bliss doesn't exist
Come back to Earth,
where the rest of us live.
You know I'd rather stay there too
We must come down.
Society's rule.
While up there we dream all day.
Create and explore,
think as we may.
Build a world based on good
eliminate prejudice
as we should.
Where there's no God but only Truth
No hypocritical words
and we don't need proof.
No fear of wrath, doom, or sin
because the Truth is a source,
of beyond and within.
It lives inside us, energy exchange.
Passing through
those in range.
And then we'll know how it's supposed to be.
Through communal knowledge,
and we'll be set free.
Until that dawn,
we must come down.
Even though it's the cause of a frown.
Till the human race can make that change,
and see the Soul
instead of a face.
Perpetual bliss, doesn't exist.
Come back to Earth,
where the rest of us live.
Because perpetual bliss
will not exist,
until we come down
to share how we live.
Come back to Earth,
where the rest of us live.
You know I'd rather stay there too
We must come down.
Society's rule.
While up there we dream all day.
Create and explore,
think as we may.
Build a world based on good
eliminate prejudice
as we should.
Where there's no God but only Truth
No hypocritical words
and we don't need proof.
No fear of wrath, doom, or sin
because the Truth is a source,
of beyond and within.
It lives inside us, energy exchange.
Passing through
those in range.
And then we'll know how it's supposed to be.
Through communal knowledge,
and we'll be set free.
Until that dawn,
we must come down.
Even though it's the cause of a frown.
Till the human race can make that change,
and see the Soul
instead of a face.
Perpetual bliss, doesn't exist.
Come back to Earth,
where the rest of us live.
Because perpetual bliss
will not exist,
until we come down
to share how we live.
Memoirs of a High School Divorcee: Part 1
I've been told by people more than a few times that I have outrageous stories. I agree with them 100%. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have the "entertaining" talent of getting myself into... situations. I've also been told that I should start forming these stories into a written collection. So I figured there was no better place to start putting some of these anecdotes together.
THE LOVE STORY:
"Anti Love at First Sight"
In high school I was that girl. The girl with the amazingly good-looking boyfriend. Captain of the State Champion dance team. Basically fit in with anyone. Got great grades. Student Aided for everyone's favorite teacher. Yes, I was that bitch. The girl everyone loved to hate. And what they loved to hate the most, was how I landed the hottest guy in the school. Well bitches, I'm not quite sure either... but I'm pretty sure it all went a little something like this...
So the love story begins during seventh grade. About mid fall, the female student body of your typical spoiled brat infested middle school, found their knees knocked straight out from under them as He walked across the grass to the portables. Mr. (not)Perfect had transferred from a school in the neighboring county. The girls were driven wild with his "fuck-this-place" attitude, gorgeous curly brown hair, Billabong "designer" hoodie, worn in to perfection high-top converses, and apparent "LOVE" for his cross county girlfriend. Within a week, stupid bitches like the ones I was told I had to be friends with, had written professions of love all over the bodies and binders. (when someone proclaimed love for another on their binder you knew it was serious!) I on the other hand, legitimately didn't get it.
#1. He had a girlfriend. If a boy willingly calls a female his "Girlfriend", you leave that shit alone. It's hard enough to rein a boy in, if that bitch can do it at least give her the luxury of enjoying it while it lasts.
#2. In middle school, all boys are worthless. I was going to go with stupid but then I remembered that is one fact that doesn't change with age...
#3. If everyone else liked him... there was no way in hell that I was going to agree. Flashback to the young rebel, punk rock, hardcore bitch years... If he was the consensus of "desirable" then I obviously ignored he existed.
#4. Crushes of the week were so much more fun than longing after a boy who was never going to give you the time of day. Hell. Crushes of the week are still fun. But back to middle school, relationships are never serious. So why not enjoy flirting with a guy, then his all of his bros in the following weeks until he comes back begging. To which you will of course give in to for about a week until you decide to tell him that you're better off friends, but he should tell his friend *Scotty* to call you.
Basically, I just wasn't having it. Fast forward a year later... August of eigth grade. BAM! When the fuck did Mr. (not)Perfect get so hot!?!?!? So yes, I gave in to the masses. Hung up my black Pac Sun hoodies and checkered converses and traded them in for some layered polos and American Eagle jeans. Traded my "you don't exist" attitude towards Him for the "let me at it" mindset. It's amazing what stupidity will overcome you over one hot summer fling, and your first make out sesh ... stupidity.
Lucky for me I had a class this year with Mr. (not)Perfect AND my extremely close friend The-Only-Black-Boy-In-School. One AIM chat and a promise to talk to Miss Push-up Bra later, TOBBIS decided to help me out on what would be one of the most grueling battles for love in my 20 years, so far, of existence.
To Be Continued...
THE LOVE STORY:
"Anti Love at First Sight"
In high school I was that girl. The girl with the amazingly good-looking boyfriend. Captain of the State Champion dance team. Basically fit in with anyone. Got great grades. Student Aided for everyone's favorite teacher. Yes, I was that bitch. The girl everyone loved to hate. And what they loved to hate the most, was how I landed the hottest guy in the school. Well bitches, I'm not quite sure either... but I'm pretty sure it all went a little something like this...
So the love story begins during seventh grade. About mid fall, the female student body of your typical spoiled brat infested middle school, found their knees knocked straight out from under them as He walked across the grass to the portables. Mr. (not)Perfect had transferred from a school in the neighboring county. The girls were driven wild with his "fuck-this-place" attitude, gorgeous curly brown hair, Billabong "designer" hoodie, worn in to perfection high-top converses, and apparent "LOVE" for his cross county girlfriend. Within a week, stupid bitches like the ones I was told I had to be friends with, had written professions of love all over the bodies and binders. (when someone proclaimed love for another on their binder you knew it was serious!) I on the other hand, legitimately didn't get it.
#1. He had a girlfriend. If a boy willingly calls a female his "Girlfriend", you leave that shit alone. It's hard enough to rein a boy in, if that bitch can do it at least give her the luxury of enjoying it while it lasts.
#2. In middle school, all boys are worthless. I was going to go with stupid but then I remembered that is one fact that doesn't change with age...
#3. If everyone else liked him... there was no way in hell that I was going to agree. Flashback to the young rebel, punk rock, hardcore bitch years... If he was the consensus of "desirable" then I obviously ignored he existed.
#4. Crushes of the week were so much more fun than longing after a boy who was never going to give you the time of day. Hell. Crushes of the week are still fun. But back to middle school, relationships are never serious. So why not enjoy flirting with a guy, then his all of his bros in the following weeks until he comes back begging. To which you will of course give in to for about a week until you decide to tell him that you're better off friends, but he should tell his friend *Scotty* to call you.
Basically, I just wasn't having it. Fast forward a year later... August of eigth grade. BAM! When the fuck did Mr. (not)Perfect get so hot!?!?!? So yes, I gave in to the masses. Hung up my black Pac Sun hoodies and checkered converses and traded them in for some layered polos and American Eagle jeans. Traded my "you don't exist" attitude towards Him for the "let me at it" mindset. It's amazing what stupidity will overcome you over one hot summer fling, and your first make out sesh ... stupidity.
Lucky for me I had a class this year with Mr. (not)Perfect AND my extremely close friend The-Only-Black-Boy-In-School. One AIM chat and a promise to talk to Miss Push-up Bra later, TOBBIS decided to help me out on what would be one of the most grueling battles for love in my 20 years, so far, of existence.
To Be Continued...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Would You? I Can't...
If you saw the latest boy/girl of your heart's affection walk into a room, would you say hello? What if you just missed their eye as they walked in because you were laughing with a group of friends and missed your chance? What if they sat down to eat all by themselves? Would you do it? Would you?
The easiest answer is, YES! That's what you tell yourself, that's what you hope you would do. But would you actually do it?
Me. I wouldn't. For the simple fact that, I'm scared. This was proven today as I ate with a group of my friends when the boy I've been waiting to talk to for weeks now walked in. It would have been a perfect opportunity, but i blew it. I'm a chicken, a coward, a wimp, and a wuss. It's not the fear of talking to someone or approaching them, it's the fear of rejection.
Rejection. It's probably the most commonly feared emotion know to man. The funny thing is, most of us are pretty familiar with the feeling; it's not a rare occurrence. Personally as a human I find it common and as a dancer, rejection is normal. I experience multiple forms of rejection on a daily basis, but the fear of being rejected by a boy... can literally make my body tremble in fear.
So now what, look at the boy and giggle like a middle school girl? Or act my age and just talk to the freaking boy? I think I'll try option two... as soon as I get another chance, stop shaking, giggling nervously, thinking about all the things that could go wrong, assuming he won't like me, actually look decent for once, am not already stressed... Oh dear God help me!!!!
The easiest answer is, YES! That's what you tell yourself, that's what you hope you would do. But would you actually do it?
Me. I wouldn't. For the simple fact that, I'm scared. This was proven today as I ate with a group of my friends when the boy I've been waiting to talk to for weeks now walked in. It would have been a perfect opportunity, but i blew it. I'm a chicken, a coward, a wimp, and a wuss. It's not the fear of talking to someone or approaching them, it's the fear of rejection.
Rejection. It's probably the most commonly feared emotion know to man. The funny thing is, most of us are pretty familiar with the feeling; it's not a rare occurrence. Personally as a human I find it common and as a dancer, rejection is normal. I experience multiple forms of rejection on a daily basis, but the fear of being rejected by a boy... can literally make my body tremble in fear.
So now what, look at the boy and giggle like a middle school girl? Or act my age and just talk to the freaking boy? I think I'll try option two... as soon as I get another chance, stop shaking, giggling nervously, thinking about all the things that could go wrong, assuming he won't like me, actually look decent for once, am not already stressed... Oh dear God help me!!!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
I'm Leaving, I'll Wait.
I write bad poetry. Whatever. Get over it...
Let's go. Anywhere.
The wind calls my name. It whispers directions.
No clear destination, just a way to get there.
If you stay, I might see you soon.
Or you could come, pack a bag, and we're off towards the moon.
There's nothing better than flying past the sky, the grass, and the sea
When you've gone just far enough, to know that you're free.
We could leave today, what's holding you back?
I think I'll leave soon without looking back.
If you were to say you'd come, I 'd wait a minute for you.
We'd leave without a fuss, no rush, or mess.
And discard all of the things of which we are through.
Either way I'm leaving today,
Unless you give me the word, and for a minute we'll stay.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Day 1 or D Day.
"Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we"
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we"
- Alanis Morissette, Not As We
Further introduction is not necessary, we'll figure it out as we go along. So lately I've been on the idea of ritual to better the self. Yes, I am one of the "self-betterment" freaks who constantly is looking for new and revolutionary ways to improve, fix, and save myself. (If you don't improve yourself, then who will?) So my latest adventure has been a 21day Guided Meditation Challenge, hosted by the Deepak Chopra Center. Tonight will be mediation number 20, I haven't missed a meditation yet and I'm terrified of what will come after tomorrow. After Day 21.
This will be the first of my many "self-betterment" gigs that I've actually stuck to. It takes 21 days to create a ritual, and after tomorrow my ritual will be fully established. I meditate at night, right before I go to bed, while lying on my right side, with a pillow between my knees, and the volume on my computer set to level 4. It sounds a little nuts, but hey. It works for me.
Which brings me to day one. I am terrified of day one. What happens when this pre-organized program is over. Will I fall back into my usual trap of flitting from trend to trend? Will all of the work I've put in over the last 20 days be lost in a flash? I don't want this to happen. Day 1 is supposed to be exciting, not a D day.
While in the mist of being terrified over the ever-nearing Day 1, I've been having some issues lately with Karmic fairness and the overall balance of the Universe. Something is not right. So I'm choosing to share the entry I wrote earlier from my private, handwritten journal, in hopes of possibly sending out a final blurb of dissatisfaction with Karma, and therefore receiving some change in the energy I've been receiving lately.
DISCLAIMER: rants obviously don't include the use of logic, proper spelling and grammar, interesting ideas, or any common sense at that matter. You have been warned.
Okay. Viral ranting, do your thing.
** Look, everyone screws up. And I'm TIRED of paying for my mistakes. I've more than payed my dues and I've worked so hard to become debt free in the Karma realm. This is not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair at all. I've been nicer, harder working, more respectful, more responsible, more considerate, and much more of an overall better person than I've been in a long time.
You do something bad and the world fucks you over for it. That's how it works, I understand this. But things seem to be a little out of order recently, or even downright backwards. I try to make myself a better person and the Universe says eat shit. So what's the use in trying. I'm not sure. Hey Universe, care to throw me a fricking bone?**
So back to Day 1:
-Today's Day 1: starting a blog. Easy. Painless.
-Tuesday's Day 1: scary... but hoping for the best.
-Karmic Forgiveness Day 1: Can happen any freaking day now :)
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